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Wolverine is a P*$$¥

January 11, 2014

These conversations usually start out something like this: “Who can kick Wolverive’s ass?” Then it quickly turns into “no, Wolverine can’t be killed” which segues into “he’s died before” to “who has handed him his ass the most” etc etc…so after discussing this subject ad nauseam, my son David and I decided to compile the top 5 ass kickings dealt to poor ol James Howlett aka Logan aka The Wolverine.

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It all pretty much started when we were discussing the new X-Men movie, “X-Men: Days Of Future Past”.

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My son told me that (in the movie version) it’s Wolverine who goes into the past, not Kitty Pride, who is the central character in this classic story line by Chris Claremont and John Byrne back in 1981, X-Men #141/142. This bugs me.

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Since when did Wolverine all of a sudden become the face and focal point of the X-franchise?? Don’t get me wrong, I love what Bryan Singer and his screen writers had done previously in the first 2 X-movies, but seriously?? We’re looking at another X-Men The Last Stand if you ask me…but I digress. The bone of contention here is simply this: is Wolverine the toughest Marvel super hero ever or is he just a big ol pussy? Let’s look at the facts: First of all, if we judge this strictly on movie continuity, Wolvie is a coward who only fights women. Beautiful women at that.

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Dave: All of his big fights in the 3 movies he gets his butt handed to him by a girl, and one held her own against him while she was naked. I rest my case.

David: I got nothing smart to say here, just hot.

But true comic fans know only the comic continuity counts in important discussions such as this, so we began bringing up decent examples of how he’s been horribly wounded yet was still able to come back. I pointed out a scene in New X-Men (by Morrison/Quietly) where Wolvie was burned by a Sentinel and Scott “Slim” Summers aka Cyclops ( THE REAL LEADER OF THE X-MEN) tells him to “stop smoking”.

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Then David brought up a scene in Astonishing X-Men (by Whedon/Cassiday) where he and a young female mutant (imagine that…) named Armor fall from outer space and have quite a landing. Wolverine states in about 20 min, when he grows back something resembling his nose, that they’ll move on.

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Now these are good examples of the punishment this character can take, but before moving forward, let’s have a look at his first appearance and see how well this tough guy fared against a guy named The Hulk. Hulk vol.1 #181 by Len Wein, Herb Trimpe and Jack Abel, 1974

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David: And here we have the greatest mutant ever! a 5 foot tall hairy badger in yellow spandex. Awesome.

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Dave: one swift “BWOK” to his adamantium skull and he’s out like a light. Oh wait, this was before he had that metal skeleton…

A very humble beginning for the baddest ass in comicdom huh? Well, it took a few more years to toughen this guy up, so without further ado we present to you: “Wolverine is a pussy- his top 5 EPIC FAILS.

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#5- Incredible Hulk vol.3 #12 by Jason Aaron, Carlos Pacheco and Roger Bonet, 2012

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Dave: Ok now, this got me excited. Because the Hulk’s two biggest protagonists are the Thing and the Wolverine. And this is literally the first time in 50 years a writer had thought to do this. “When you have a Hulk problem…”

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David: And then instantly regret not getting one of the other superheroes. Or more.

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Dave: Ouch. That’s gonna leave a mark.

David: Nothing says FAIL like having your own weapon used against you. Nothing says EPIC FAIL like when said weapon is attached to your own body. Smooth Logan, smooth.

#4- Ultimate Wolverine vs. Hulk vol.1 #1 by Damon Lindleof and Leinil Francis Yu, 2006

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David: So many one liners here; “Take a break.” “Split.” Uh, so I got two. So there’s not so many. Regardless that unbreakable skeleton ain’t worth much against the jolly green giant.

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Dave: If this had happened in Hulk #181 he would have had a “short” career. Get it? It’s cuz he’s short.

David: Bet it sounded like wet Velcro

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Dave: If I was Wolverine I’d be wondering where the fuck my dick was.

#3- Giant Sized Wolverine vol.1 #1 by Mark Millar, Steve McNiven, Dexter Vines and Mark Morales, 2009

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Dave: Without giving a spoiler, this looks like it would be really hard to come back from.

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David: Starting to notice a trend here. Curious, did he taste like beer and poutine. I bet he did.

Dave: wtf is poutine??

(Editors note: this is poutine)

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Dave: Whoops. Spoiler:

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David: And just like the combo of poutine and beer, it comes back out with a vengeance.

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David: Look, he finally killed the Hulk. It only took how many tries? Thank god that near immortality was there, helping failures succeed through attrition.

#2- X-Men vol.2 #25 by Fabian Nicieza, Andy Kubert and Matt Ryan, 1993

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Dave: What a terrible cover. Too much lettering and look at that ridiculous holographic card.

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David: Holographic Cards, so god damned 90s it hurts! Seriously, my eyes hurt!

Dave: And how about the back side of the wrap around cover? “None of our awkward superhero posing can save him!”

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David: Don’t look too concerned guys. Just one of your oldest friends and teammates getting brutally murdered in front of you.

Dave: For the first time ever, a writer uses his brain and writes a story that makes sense. Use magnetism to pull out the metal. Duh. This should have happened in X-Men Last Stand.

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David: Magneto is taking his new spa work seriously. “I will open your pores!”

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And without further ado:

#1- Uncanny X-Men vol.1 #142 by Chris Claremont, John Byrne and Terry Austin, 1981

Dave: And here we have possibly one of the most famous story lines ever next to The Dark Phoenix saga; “Mind Out Of Time”, part 2 of the “Days Of Future Past” storyline. This is from the second part of the story, and spoiler alert, the cover blurb says it all:

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David: ‘Even though the method of blindly jumping at the giant killer robot has worked in the past, Logan please take into consideration the robots ability to turn around and fire its giant death laser.’

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Dave: Yea, it’s kinda hard to come back from that.

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We must note that this is the first time since his creation, we see exactly what his adamantium skeleton looks like. Up until then, it had only been mentioned. It wasn’t until X-Men #98 (1976) that we found out those metal claws came out of his arms and weren’t just a part of his gloves.

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And while were on the subject of the mythos of Wolverine, remember this poignant moment from the first movie where Rouge asks Logan if it hurts every time they come out?

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It was actually Jubilee who asked him that in Wolverine #25 and we also find out for the first time that those claws were always there, and were bone underneath those blades the entire time. 19 years later.

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Well there you have it. Is The Wolverine the toughest super hero ever or just one lucky Canuck?? And just so you know Mr. Jackman, you’re only 45, enjoy your physique while it lasts. Wait until you hit 46, it’s all downhill from there. You’re gonna end up looking just like me.

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Ps: if you think this is nerdy, hit comicbookmovie.com and watch the video for a great continuity check for the movies. We’ve been asking ourselves these same questions for years now…

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See the video by Scott Collura here

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What a p*$$¥

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